It took some mulling and musing to decide to blog. I've been living with PTSD for years and, with the most recent serious episode only 3 years in my past, I've found that part of the fallout has been a noticeable decline in my ability to focus on the printed word. So, reading has been more difficult than ever before, and writing has been just unavailable to me. About a year ago, I started my YouTube channel as a method of therapy for coping with PTSD. It required a decision to be genuine and authentic as well as a commitment to refuse to worry about how anything I produced might be received by anyone else. I did it for myself. Now, with over 400 subscribers, I'm certainly hoping to create content that engages and pleases viewers, but I'm not creating with that as a primary objective. It's working well. So well, in fact, that I have rediscovered the desire to write - a surprising side effect and sign of healing.
So, now that I've decided to blog as a next step in authentic living and recovery, the question I ask myself daily is, "What will I write about?" My objectives remain to be authentically me and to write about things that have a healing effect on my soul. Art is certainly one of those things. But, art is much more fun to make and to look at than it is to write about. So, as an exercise in discipline to help me establish good writing habits, I decided to respond to a 30-Day Photography Challenge I saw on Pinterest. I won't tell you what the entire list says right now. Each post will speak for itself and will be accompanied by some of my written thoughts about either the subject or the photograph itself. It'll help me get back into shape as a writer and it'll help you get to know me better as a new blogger. I know, brilliant, right? Sometimes I just amaze myself. (Pfffffffffttttttttttt!) All the photographs will be taken with my iPhone and won't be filtered or corrected in any way. I won't do one every day to make room for other subjects, but I will complete the challenge at a pace that makes sense. I hope you'll join me on the journey.
I will let you in on one thing about the challenge: Day 1 and Day 30 are the same: Self Portrait. My hope is that those bookends will be very different takes on the same subject. Who knows what I'll choose for day 30? For now, let's talk about Day 1 a little bit. Self portraits are an easy way for me to get started. I take them all the time. It's not so much out of narcissism as out of a need to have plenty of thumbnail fodder for the YouTube channel and other social media branding. I'm pretty good at taking selfies. This one was taken in my back yard while I was hanging out with my 2 dogs, Nigel & Benjamin. A good part of the country is still having snowstorms and cold temperatures, but that day was cloudless and 85 degrees in my part of Florida. I spend a lot of time indoors by myself, either making videos or editing them, so the sunlight felt just amazing on my face. I think that's pretty obvious. I'm kneeling in the grass because I was taking photos of the dogs and just happened to turn the camera around for a moment. Honestly, I don't spend a lot of time outside and even less in the direct sun, so this moment is a rare one, and one that makes me happy to look at. I almost think I can feel the sun on my face just looking at the image. I also have a very active mind...it's often a challenge to quiet it. So, the serenity of this image doesn't quite reflect the way I feel the vast majority of the time, but it is an accurate portrait of me in that moment. It's currently in my top 5 favorite photos of me ever taken. Here are the other 4:
I'm also thinking about the difference (if there is one) between selfies and self-portraits. It seems to me right now that any effort to make a distinction would be a bit snooty and affected. Certainly, we take a LOT of selfies these days, and we took far fewer before we all had a smartphone in our hands. But, I suspect the motivation for capturing one's own image, whether in a cave painting, timed snapshot, fine-art rendering, or iPhone is the same. We are always trying to understand the world in which we're living, and most of us are always yearning for a sense of place and purpose in it, though we're not always acutely aware of it. We take in a lot of information through our eyes, but we have to be intentional about looking at ourselves. Before selfies, we didn't do very much of it at all, really. The compulsion to study our own image when presented with it seems prevalent in our culture. I don't think it's ego at work, rather a deep desire to understand ourselves better. Perhaps I'm giving the gang on Jersey Shore too much credit on this one, but I suspect they're just less aware that's what's going on, on account of all the booze and all. It's just my opinion. If the subject interest you, take a look at this fascinating article about animals that have passed the mirror test for self-recognition. Who would have thought ants would make the list?! Their conclusion is, well, inconclusive, but it is interesting nonetheless. Many days, for me, it really does feel like we have somehow forgotten something about our origins...about ourselves...and we spend our lives trying to remember it.
I'd love to know your thoughts on selfies, self-portraits, and iPhone photography as art. Feel free to use the comments to start a conversation about that or anything else I brought up in this post.
'Til next time, I am CoolGray.
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